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step·fa·ther: [step-fah-ther] Show IPA
Noun: the husband of one's mother by a later marriage.
Origin:
before 900; Middle English stepfader,
Old English stēopfæder.
WHAT IS A STEP FATHER? – June 12, 2014 Thresa K Ruggles
I started
thinking about Father’s Day and about ALL the Step Fathers/Dads in this world
who deserve recognition and I got to wondering where the origination came from
and in my Google search, all I came up with was this sterile definition: “the husband of one’s mother by a later
marriage.” HA! How woefully inadequate to describe what a
STEP father is and does.
For some
reason, people seem to have a reaction to the word STEP that is not
particularly positive… almost like you’re a lesser-than or not quite as good as
the “original” model. In my experience
this is more often false, than true.
Whenever you
decide to marry someone who already has children to whom you are not
biologically related, you take on A LOT…. It is NOT a job for the faint of
heart. For in that moment you say “I Do”
to her, you say “I Do” to all the responsibilities, heartbreaks and rewards of
parenting a child someone else fathered.
You take a deep breath and plunge into the role. A lot of times you will
feel like you are barely treading water to keep afloat and other times, you may
feel as though you are floating blissfully on the surface without much effort…
and I pray those moments are more frequent for you.
So I suggest to you my expanded definition, as
seen through my eyes as I have watched what my husband has done for my children
– his STEP children- over the years we’ve been married.
You STEP UP…. When others would have gone running
in the other direction after meeting my children, You didn’t …..you loved me
and so you wanted to hang in there and love my children, too. This is not always an easy thing to do. Sure, we can say we love someone because it’s
the right thing to say, but loving a stepchild doesn’t come naturally… you have
no biological lineage to them and they may be nothing like your own off-spring
may have been. So you work – sometimes
VERY HARD to get to know them, what they like, how they feel about life, where
you fit in with everything and YOU have to define your role for yourself as it
works for your new family.
You STEP BACK… When you and I did not completely
agree on how to approach a disciplinary situation with my children, you stepped
back and agreed to do things the way I thought was best. When every fiber of your being may have been
screaming to proceed with your plan, you not only stepped back, but you supported
me.
You STEP By My Side… when I did
have to lay down rules and expectations; you stood at my side and supported
me. That was not something I had before,
and for that you will never completely understand the depth of my
gratitude. Supporting me and my decisions,
even if inside you may not have totally agreed, made me feel empowered as a
parent…. It made me love you even more.
You STEP ASIDE….like on this Day… Father’s Day, when
you are just as deserving of recognition and a day filled with appreciation as
biological fathers are, you are the one who steps aside so the kids can spend
the day with their REAL dad…. I’ll get to that word “Real” in a bit...
You STEP IN… when my children needed a strong male
role model, you stepped in to be that man… and not just for my children, but
for several hundred teenagers you have taught and coached over the 32-year span
of your teaching/coaching career. You
have been the most amazing man I have known in how you just seem to know who
needs what. Motivating varsity defensive
linemen with a tough demeanor and praise that is earned, not just doled out to
make them feel good about themselves.
They felt good about themselves because you set the bar high and let
them know you believed in them and their ability to achieve it. And then I have watched you coach little
girls for whom that demeanor would only have resulted in a flood of tears all
around. You gave them nicknames and let
them know you knew WHO they were… you listened, reviewed and adjusted and they
loved you for it. You have done the same
thing with my children, all of whom needed a different kind of step father from
you, and you have reviewed and adjusted the game-plan all along the way.
You STEP OUT…Out of your comfort zone… a single guy
who did things when he wanted, how he wanted.
Your house was never messy unless you made the mess and everything was
organized just how YOU wanted it. And
then you married me. Cups and towels
left everywhere, juice box straws strewn on the floor and catching in the
vacuum cleaner, Half-drank soda pop cans left all over, dirty dishes left in
the sink. Instead of exploding, you came
up with a new game-plan which, quite frankly, was genius! Juice boxes were banned. A division of chores
was established WITH input from the kids. Towels were divided by color and
rationed so the culprit of the towel left on the floor could be easily
identified without arguments or denials. We stopped buying soda pop in the can
and all of the sudden water out of the fridge door didn’t seem so bad after
all. And each kid got to pick out their
own cup at the store and decorate it with a Sharpie marker and their name… no
more pile up of glasses because one kid used 5 in 5 hours. Each person had his/her own glass and used it
and only it… including me! Seriously…. I
think there should be some kind of Nobel Prize for step fathers for creativity
in problem-solving… I’d nominate you for sure!
You STEP IT UP… When limits were tested and rules
were challenged you did not back down.
You let the kids know you were in it for the long haul and nothing they
said or did was going to send you running in the opposite direction, or abandon
me and our marriage. And test you, they
did, with the all-time famous line, “You’re not my REAL dad!” And I know that word REAL cuts like a knife
because how much more REAL does being a dad get then standing there while a
teenager feels entitled to say every horrible thing to you they have ever
wanted to say and you take it and somehow, still find a way to love them
through it. Even good old Webster
defines REAL as: “actually existing or
happening : not imaginary. : not fake, false, or artificial” Trust me when
I say STEP fathers are up to their necks in REAL every day. You exist, you are not imaginary and there is
no faking your way through the job.
So… REAL
fathers are the ones there as everything is happening… they may need to imagine
themselves lying on a beach somewhere else in order to maintain their cool, but
how much more REAL does it get than driving through the night to get to a STEP
child to bring them back to the safety and comfort of home when they have had
their heart broken? How much more REAL
is it than when you cry because they give you one of those oh-so-rare
compliments or thank-you’s? How much
more REAL can it feel than when you set aside your own wants and needs and dole
out the cash so that the kids can pursue their dreams, whether that be pursuing
a music career across the continent in California or pursuing collegiate soccer
aspirations in Miami? You have eaten way
more peanut butter and tuna sandwiches than a grown adult should EVER have to
eat because of the financial sacrifices made for my kids… and that tastes
pretty damn REAL!
I would be doing the role of STEP FATHER a disservice if I ended here, making it sound like a pretty thankless job. Because it IS thankless a lot of the time, especially if you are hoping that “thank you” will come freely from the kids. But me, your wife, cannot begin to express to you all the ways I am thankful and I know my children are, too. And there are a FEW great moments you have gotten to experience because you are a Step Father.
You got to Step Out and take my
son to the NCAA basketball playoffs, a trip he still says was one of his
favorites. You got to have that time and
moment with him that no one else did… not even me, his mother. He will never forget it and it was REAL. Same
for the vacations to Connecticut… memories made during relaxed summer vacations
that were as REAL as it gets.
You got to Step In on the phone call
and be the “defender” when a boy called my daughter names and you expressed to
her what you would do to that punk if he tried that again. You supported her in her actions, which meant
the world to her and to me. I know that
if a guy hurt one of my daughters you would want to seriously hurt that guy,
and even though you haven’t, knowing that you’d want to means a lot. We love
you for that, too.
You got to Step Down… the wedding
aisle. When my oldest daughter wanted
her Dad to walk her down the aisle on the day of her wedding she picked YOU…
yes You, Step-Dad… the REAL Dad in her life.
I was so proud of her and so happy for both of you. I have never seen you more proud than on that
day and it made me cry… happy tears…
AND you got to Step Forward and hold OUR new
granddaughter in your arms and be called PAPA… no STEP needed! And she will only know you as PAPA… not “the
guy married to her grandma.” How sweet is
that?
Ever since you
married me and, in doing so, became a Step-Father, your life has become a
pretty wild roller coaster ride. And for
a man who I know isn’t too fond of amusement park rides, you have held on
through all the ups and downs like a champ. You have embraced this “family” you
immediately became a part of, and all of us, my children and me, have been blessed
for it.
So, on this
father’s day, I just wanted to express my gratitude to you… for the REAL man
and father you are and always will be. I
think STEP fathers should get their own holiday because they took on a life and
responsibilities they didn’t have to and should be recognized for it. You have Stepped UP, OUT, BY MY SIDE, IN,
ASIDE, DOWN and FORWARD to be a REAL FATHER even by Webster’s definition of
REAL….And… I for one, want the world to know Fathers don’t get any more REAL
than you are. Happy Father’s Day, Babe,
I love you.
